I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
