I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
