You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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