FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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