I just threw up on my dentist
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Randomize
