I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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