pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
