Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
