I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
