Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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