Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I forget how to act sober
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