There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
