Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
