They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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