If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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