dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
