I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
