Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
