Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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