remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
