just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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