i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
