The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
