she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
