Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I've blown a few things in my day
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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