I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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