"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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