I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Randomize
