even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Even my vagina gasped.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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