i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Someone came in the potted fern
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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