I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
