My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
