and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
