White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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