I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
