Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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