I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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