oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
