Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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