She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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