I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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