your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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