Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i came on her dog
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
