I think scott just propositioned me for sex
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
