RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
