and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
