Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
