dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
