If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
we have pet lesbian snakes
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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