my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
